The Depths of Winter
‘In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer’.
Albert Camus
The Depths of Winter
I’ve experienced two profound winters in my life—seasons marked by soul-crushing metamorphosis and heartbreak. During these times of deep disconnection, I felt ungrounded, as if a void separated me from everyone around me.
My deepest, darkest winters occurred at two pivotal points in a life otherwise filled with endless springs and summers. The first began when I was eleven, with the sudden death of my father. The second began with the birth of my daughter.
Birth and death.
Winter and autumn.
My father died in winter, and my daughter was born in autumn.
When my father passed away, my world was suddenly plunged into winter. With my daughter's birth, my world made a slower descent into ice.
My winters were filled with deep depression, intense otherness, and profound loneliness.
When my dad died, I didn't understand what was happening. I didn’t realise I was depressed. I was a child, and grief was to be expected.
But during this season, I wasn't just experiencing grief; I was also facing the many intense changes that come with puberty. In my winter, I started high school, moved schools, became a teenager, and met my person—all while deeply depressed.
During this time, I was surrounded by other teenagers who had no idea what was going on in my life. I felt like I was in a spacesuit—I couldn't communicate properly, I couldn't stand the way my body felt, and I had no idea who I was.
I wasn’t standing on solid ground.
During my postpartum period, I felt the same—if not worse in some ways.
I was truly floating.
With sleep deprivation and low iron, I quickly lost my grip on reality.
Time began to morph, the cold seeped in, and the nights felt dark and long.
My body was alien to me.
I quickly realised I had never healed my wounds. I had never become a whole person; I had just been sleeping well.
And without sleep, my life began its rapid descent.
Winter began to take hold.
I was drowning in ice and snow.
Again, I lost the ability to connect with people. How could I? I was still floating.
I thought I would never sleep again. Nothing would get easier until I did...
Another sleepless night.
Another joint. Another coffee.
Another day of not coping.
Another fight. Another argument.
Another day of not connecting...
An Invincible Summer
Where does the invincible summer come in?
I'm not sure when things began to turn around. All I know is that at some point, it all started to feel warmer. The winds of change began to blow, and gradually, new life was born.
Spring.
Oh, beautiful spring.
For the warmth of spring brought healing.
And with it came a new perspective on life. My winters birthed wisdom. By learning to navigate the darkness, I emerged transformed.
I believe most of us have faced the depths of winter in our lives. Each winter is unique and deeply painful—whether it involves loss, addiction, heartbreak, or other struggles. Yet, in the darkness, we meet different versions of ourselves. These challenging times often lead to profound personal growth and a deeper understanding of life and who we are. What revelations did you have about yourself during your own season of winter?
